Thursday, July 8, 2010

When I see his face.....

I'm going to spill a bit... I've been down in the dumps lately. Several of my former students are having babies and getting married. I've also seen tons of facebook statuses announcing pregnancies and many friends who were pregnant when we had Reese are in the midst of getting ready to deliver again.

This will never be me. I will never get to announce a pregnancy on facebook. I want more than anything to be a mom. I want another child. I long for another child. I don't want Reese to be an only child, never have. But it's not my call.

I see people have these babies with many people waiting in the waiting room for hours until these babies are born where the daddy gets to wheel the baby out and on to the nursery. That will never be us. When we have a baby, when we did have a baby, we were there alone - just Garrett and I. There was no showing him off, there was no wheeling him out, there was no one squealing in delight for us. Instead, we loaded up and headed home, just us 3. Our families were excited, but the room and conversations were filled with concern that this might not be our baby. I get that, but I also want people to be excited for my baby, for my being a mom.

My heart aches for another baby. I think I always will. Financially, another baby is not an option. Adoption is a VERY expensive way to have a baby and just because we did it once, doesn't mean we can do it again. It costs a lot of money. More than a car. Almost as much as our first house. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I would give up all we have given up to have Reese again. He is worth every penny we spent and still spend on the loan that brought him home.

I pray, daily, that God will take away the desire for us to add to our family. Garrett is 100% content with our family of 3. In ways, I am too, but I long for another child. My heart aches for one. Reese has even asked for a sister on multiple occasions. I want so badly to give him a sibling. I pray that God will give me peace about it and I will be ok with what He has for our family.I've been praying this prayer for about 2 years and it isn't any less in my heart.

I hurt and go through the whole questioning method with God. Why not us? Why not Reese? Why won't you take this away from me? I may never know the answer to this.

Today, we were in the Target parking lot. I broke down and called Garrett and just sat on the phone and sobbed at how unfair it was.

All the while, in the back seat, a little boy kept saying in the most quiet voice "Don't cry momma. I make it ok."

And then, it hit me, he does make it ok. All through Target he had the sweetest spirit. He would do funny things to make me smile and wanted to be touching me our entire visit.

God is using him to do something big in my life...that doesn't mean I don't want more, it just means, day by day, I am learning to be content in the situation I am in......

I love this little boy so much it hurts. I never had any idea that I could love someone so much. He truly is my heart beating outside my chest. I am so blessed and God gave us the greatest gift when he chose us to be Reese's parents. And I'm trying to enjoy everyday I have with him...

1 comment:

  1. My heart aches for you as well. I took for granted the excitement of bringing Cole home; I know that I didn't, and still don't, appreciate this gift that God has given me. Thank you, for being so candid about your heartache. I know Reese is blessed beyond compare to call you mommy.